10:31:18: Package picked up by Feisty Gazebo
10:31:19: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Feisty Gazebo to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Feisty Gazebo came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Feisty Gazebo running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Feisty Gazebo continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
11:00:02: Ignoracious Buttafucco does not normally mourn death. Ignoracious Buttafucco is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Ignoracious Buttafucco thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Feisty Gazebo emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Feisty Gazebo dove, taking a shot mid-air. Feisty Gazebo was not thinking about human connection, unlike Ignoracious Buttafucco. This is arguably why Ignoracious Buttafucco was shot in the gut. Feisty Gazebo resumes their delivery, package in tow.
11:36:40: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Daggwood Bronson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Daggwood Bronson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Daggwood Bronson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Daggwood Bronson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Daggwood Bronson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Feisty Gazebo to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Feisty Gazebo came into view. Daggwood Bronson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Daggwood Bronson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Daggwood Bronson barely heard Feisty Gazebo running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Feisty Gazebo continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
11:36:47: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Daggwood Bronson hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Daggwood Bronson has used it, targeting Feisty Gazebo's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Feisty Gazebo's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Daggwood Bronson's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Feisty Gazebo dips their ship, skirting past Daggwood Bronson and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
11:36:53: Daggwood Bronson steadily took aim from a second story window as Feisty Gazebo ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Daggwood Bronson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Feisty Gazebo resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
11:36:57: Daggwood Bronson steadily took aim from a second story window as Feisty Gazebo ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Daggwood Bronson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Feisty Gazebo resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
11:37:02: Daggwood Bronson does not normally mourn death. Daggwood Bronson is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Daggwood Bronson thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Feisty Gazebo emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Feisty Gazebo dove, taking a shot mid-air. Feisty Gazebo was not thinking about human connection, unlike Daggwood Bronson. This is arguably why Daggwood Bronson was shot in the gut. Feisty Gazebo resumes their delivery, package in tow.
11:37:06: Daggwood Bronson misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Feisty Gazebo. Feisty Gazebo resumes delivery of their package.
12:00:32: Mac Nielson tried to sneak on board Feisty Gazebo's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Feisty Gazebo continues their delivery.
12:44:49: Someone once told Daggwood Bronson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Feisty Gazebo got one over on Daggwood Bronson once before. So definitely, for Daggwood Bronson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Daggwood Bronson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Daggwood Bronson see's Feisty Gazebo running hurriedly down the street. Daggwood Bronson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Daggwood Bronson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Feisty Gazebo doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Daggwood Bronson did not see before. Daggwood Bronson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Feisty Gazebo escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
12:44:53: Daggwood Bronson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Feisty Gazebo's destruction. Instead Feisty Gazebo resumes on their way, Daggwood Bronson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
12:44:57: Feisty Gazebo leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Daggwood Bronson. Daggwood Bronson smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Feisty Gazebo is incinerated. Daggwood Bronson throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Daggwood Bronson breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Daggwood Bronson whispers in reply.
13:00:41: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Mac Nielson hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Mac Nielson has used it, targeting Daggwood Bronson's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Daggwood Bronson's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Mac Nielson's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Daggwood Bronson dips their ship, skirting past Mac Nielson and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
13:32:52: As Daggwood Bronson rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Leroy Palestine needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Daggwood Bronson. "Parcel transferred."
14:00:42: Someone once told Mac Nielson that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Mac Nielson knows Leroy Palestine has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Mac Nielson but the time is almost here. Leroy Palestine's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Mac Nielson's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Mac Nielson is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Mac Nielson the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Leroy Palestine's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
14:31:19: Package delivered by Leroy Palestine for $300,000