10:34:17: Package picked up by L.R. Snipestress
10:34:18: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for L.R. Snipestress to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." L.R. Snipestress came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard L.R. Snipestress running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" L.R. Snipestress continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
11:10:37: L.R. Snipestress was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Mac Nielson. Luckily, L.R. Snipestress vaulted over it, only severing one foot. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
12:25:09: L.R. Snipestress is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but L.R. Snipestress smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. L.R. Snipestress lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises L.R. Snipestress's adrenaline. Ignoracious Buttafucco fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of L.R. Snipestress. "Not today, my friend." L.R. Snipestress twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Ignoracious Buttafucco four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
13:22:05: L.R. Snipestress was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Blaylock Samson. Luckily, L.R. Snipestress vaulted over it, only severing one foot. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
14:09:17: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. L.R. Snipestress got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's L.R. Snipestress running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. L.R. Snipestress doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see L.R. Snipestress escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
14:09:26: Calto Fremis misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at L.R. Snipestress. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery of their package.
14:09:33: Calto Fremis fires two pistol shots at L.R. Snipestress's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
14:34:26: Package delivered by Calto Fremis for $140,000