13:47:53: Package picked up by Column McClowed
13:47:54: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Mac Nielson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Mac Nielson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Mac Nielson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Mac Nielson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Mac Nielson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Column McClowed to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Column McClowed came into view. Mac Nielson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Mac Nielson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Mac Nielson barely heard Column McClowed running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Column McClowed continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
13:53:30: Calto Fremis tried to sneak on board Column McClowed's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Column McClowed continues their delivery.
13:53:33: Calto Fremis is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Column McClowed after a failed package theft attempt. Column McClowed resumes on their way.
13:53:36: Someone once told Calto Fremis the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Column McClowed got one over on Calto Fremis once before. So definitely, for Calto Fremis, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Calto Fremis stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Calto Fremis see's Column McClowed running hurriedly down the street. Calto Fremis takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Calto Fremis ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Column McClowed doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Calto Fremis did not see before. Calto Fremis takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Column McClowed escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
13:53:39: Calto Fremis steadily took aim from a second story window as Column McClowed ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Calto Fremis inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Column McClowed resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
13:53:45: Calto Fremis tried to sneak on board Column McClowed's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Column McClowed continues their delivery.
13:53:47: The wonderful thing about lasers, although expensive, is their ability to slice entirely through a surface and sever. Column McClowed rounds a corner and only has a split second to see a blinding red light, before being decapitated by a slicingly accurate laser blast from Calto Fremis. The package rolls to their feet. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery of the stolen package.
14:10:40: Blaylock Samson steadily took aim from a second story window as Calto Fremis ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Blaylock Samson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Calto Fremis resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
14:55:25: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Column McClowed. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Column McClowed mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Column McClowed took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Column McClowed put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Column McClowed crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Column McClowed pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Column McClowed had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Column McClowed barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
14:55:56: Calto Fremis is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Calto Fremis smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Calto Fremis lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Calto Fremis's adrenaline. Column McClowed fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Calto Fremis. "Not today, my friend." Calto Fremis twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Column McClowed four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
14:56:03: Calto Fremis took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Column McClowed, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Column McClowed currently has the package.
15:04:08: Someone once told Mac Nielson that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Mac Nielson knows Column McClowed has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Mac Nielson but the time is almost here. Column McClowed's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Mac Nielson's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Mac Nielson is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Mac Nielson the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Column McClowed's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
15:04:12: As Column McClowed rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Calto Fremis needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Column McClowed. "Parcel transferred."
20:32:44: Blaylock Samson steadily took aim from a second story window as Calto Fremis ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Blaylock Samson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Calto Fremis resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
21:21:02: Ignoracious Buttafucco steadily took aim from a second story window as Calto Fremis ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Ignoracious Buttafucco inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Calto Fremis resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
21:21:10: Column McClowed steadily took aim from a second story window as Calto Fremis ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Column McClowed inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Calto Fremis resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
21:21:14: Column McClowed tried to sneak on board Calto Fremis's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Calto Fremis continues their delivery.
21:21:22: The smell of Calto Fremis's completely immolated ship flares up Column McClowed's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Column McClowed's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Column McClowed continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
22:18:55: Package delivered by Column McClowed for $360,000