14:38:33: Package picked up by Sonny Bill Spider
14:38:34: Mac Nielson is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Sonny Bill Spider after a failed package theft attempt. Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way.
15:00:45: Blaylock Samson tried to sneak on board Sonny Bill Spider's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Sonny Bill Spider continues their delivery.
15:40:11: Column McClowed fires two pistol shots at Sonny Bill Spider's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
16:00:32: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Column McClowed to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Column McClowed came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Column McClowed running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Column McClowed continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
17:00:17: Someone once told Blaylock Samson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Column McClowed got one over on Blaylock Samson once before. So definitely, for Blaylock Samson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Blaylock Samson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Blaylock Samson see's Column McClowed running hurriedly down the street. Blaylock Samson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Blaylock Samson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Column McClowed doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Blaylock Samson did not see before. Blaylock Samson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Column McClowed escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
18:00:26: Ignoracious Buttafucco misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Column McClowed. Column McClowed resumes delivery of their package.
19:00:33: Column McClowed is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Column McClowed smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Column McClowed lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Column McClowed's adrenaline. Blaylock Samson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Column McClowed. "Not today, my friend." Column McClowed twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Blaylock Samson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
20:00:31: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Column McClowed to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Column McClowed came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Column McClowed running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Column McClowed continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
21:01:03: Ignoracious Buttafucco stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Column McClowed's destruction. Instead Column McClowed resumes on their way, Ignoracious Buttafucco's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
22:00:54: Mac Nielson is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Column McClowed after a failed package theft attempt. Column McClowed resumes on their way.
22:38:55: Package delivered by Column McClowed for $200,000