00:52:14: Package picked up by Sonny Bill Spider
00:52:15: Someone once told Mac Nielson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Sonny Bill Spider got one over on Mac Nielson once before. So definitely, for Mac Nielson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Mac Nielson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Mac Nielson see's Sonny Bill Spider running hurriedly down the street. Mac Nielson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Mac Nielson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Sonny Bill Spider doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Mac Nielson did not see before. Mac Nielson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Sonny Bill Spider escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
01:00:28: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Sonny Bill Spider got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Sonny Bill Spider running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Sonny Bill Spider doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Sonny Bill Spider escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
01:36:21: Column McClowed successfully spears Sonny Bill Spider to a wall through their chest. Sonny Bill Spider has time to yell, "You bastard," as Column McClowed snags the package from the ground in front of them. "Parcel transferred."
01:43:20: Sonny Bill Spider steadily took aim from a second story window as Column McClowed ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Sonny Bill Spider inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Column McClowed resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
01:58:25: Sonny Bill Spider does not normally mourn death. Sonny Bill Spider is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Sonny Bill Spider thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Column McClowed emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Column McClowed dove, taking a shot mid-air. Column McClowed was not thinking about human connection, unlike Sonny Bill Spider. This is arguably why Sonny Bill Spider was shot in the gut. Column McClowed resumes their delivery, package in tow.
01:59:04: Sonny Bill Spider stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Column McClowed's destruction. Instead Column McClowed resumes on their way, Sonny Bill Spider's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
02:00:18: Mac Nielson tried to sneak on board Column McClowed's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Column McClowed continues their delivery.
02:08:55: Column McClowed has been sucked into a portable black hole shot from Sonny Bill Spider's MSK-8500 rifle, not only losing the package to Sonny Bill Spider, but flung to unknown reaches of the universe. "Parcel transferred."
02:15:20: Column McClowed is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Sonny Bill Spider after a failed package theft attempt. Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way.
02:15:25: Sonny Bill Spider was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Column McClowed. Luckily, Sonny Bill Spider vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
02:15:41: Column McClowed steadily took aim from a second story window as Sonny Bill Spider ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Column McClowed inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
02:15:45: The smell of Sonny Bill Spider's completely immolated ship flares up Column McClowed's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Column McClowed's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Column McClowed continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
03:00:43: Column McClowed is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Column McClowed smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Column McClowed lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Column McClowed's adrenaline. Mac Nielson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Column McClowed. "Not today, my friend." Column McClowed twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Mac Nielson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
04:00:26: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Column McClowed got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Column McClowed running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Column McClowed doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Column McClowed escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
05:00:40: Mac Nielson steadily took aim from a second story window as Column McClowed ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Mac Nielson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Column McClowed resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
05:14:37: Sonny Bill Spider's ship rams head-first into Column McClowed's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate Column McClowed's cockpit. The package is snagged by Sonny Bill Spider after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
06:00:32: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Ignoracious Buttafucco hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Ignoracious Buttafucco has used it, targeting Sonny Bill Spider's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Sonny Bill Spider's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Ignoracious Buttafucco's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Sonny Bill Spider dips their ship, skirting past Ignoracious Buttafucco and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
07:00:46: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco knows Sonny Bill Spider has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Ignoracious Buttafucco but the time is almost here. Sonny Bill Spider's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Ignoracious Buttafucco's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Ignoracious Buttafucco is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Ignoracious Buttafucco the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Sonny Bill Spider's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
08:00:21: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Sonny Bill Spider got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Sonny Bill Spider running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Sonny Bill Spider doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Sonny Bill Spider escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
08:52:18: Package delivered by Sonny Bill Spider for $380,000