13:06:37: Package picked up by Iggy Starlord
13:06:38: Someone once told Mac Nielson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Iggy Starlord got one over on Mac Nielson once before. So definitely, for Mac Nielson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Mac Nielson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Mac Nielson see's Iggy Starlord running hurriedly down the street. Mac Nielson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Mac Nielson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Iggy Starlord doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Mac Nielson did not see before. Mac Nielson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Iggy Starlord escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
13:44:48: Iggy Starlord took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Sonny Bill Spider, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Sonny Bill Spider currently has the package.
14:00:36: Sonny Bill Spider was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Ignoracious Buttafucco. Luckily, Sonny Bill Spider vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
14:23:36: Iggy Starlord successfully spears Sonny Bill Spider to a wall through their chest. Sonny Bill Spider has time to yell, "You bastard," as Iggy Starlord snags the package from the ground in front of them. "Parcel transferred."
15:00:20: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Iggy Starlord got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Iggy Starlord running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Iggy Starlord doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Iggy Starlord escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
16:00:30: Iggy Starlord is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Iggy Starlord smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Iggy Starlord lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Iggy Starlord's adrenaline. Blaylock Samson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Iggy Starlord. "Not today, my friend." Iggy Starlord twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Blaylock Samson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
16:14:39: The wonderful thing about lasers, although expensive, is their ability to slice entirely through a surface and sever. Iggy Starlord rounds a corner and only has a split second to see a blinding red light, before being decapitated by a slicingly accurate laser blast from Calto Fremis. The package rolls to their feet. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery of the stolen package.
16:22:22: Someone once told Iggy Starlord that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Iggy Starlord knows Calto Fremis has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Iggy Starlord but the time is almost here. Calto Fremis's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Iggy Starlord's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Iggy Starlord is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Iggy Starlord the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Calto Fremis's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
16:23:44: Iggy Starlord is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Calto Fremis after a failed package theft attempt. Calto Fremis resumes on their way.
16:30:49: Iggy Starlord's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Calto Fremis's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
16:34:15: Iggy Starlord has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Iggy Starlord is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Leroy Palestine" scrawled on it in pink paint. Leroy Palestine picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Iggy Starlord. Fuck eaten. Good job, Leroy Palestine. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
16:37:21: As Leroy Palestine rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Iggy Starlord needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Leroy Palestine. "Parcel transferred."
17:00:15: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco knows Iggy Starlord has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Ignoracious Buttafucco but the time is almost here. Iggy Starlord's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Ignoracious Buttafucco's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Ignoracious Buttafucco is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Ignoracious Buttafucco the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Iggy Starlord's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
17:06:47: Package delivered by Iggy Starlord for $260,000