08:49:10: Package picked up by Sonny Bill Spider
08:49:11: Mac Nielson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Sonny Bill Spider's destruction. Instead Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way, Mac Nielson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
09:00:31: Blaylock Samson does not normally mourn death. Blaylock Samson is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Blaylock Samson thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Sonny Bill Spider emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Sonny Bill Spider dove, taking a shot mid-air. Sonny Bill Spider was not thinking about human connection, unlike Blaylock Samson. This is arguably why Blaylock Samson was shot in the gut. Sonny Bill Spider resumes their delivery, package in tow.
10:00:19: Sonny Bill Spider was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Mac Nielson. Luckily, Sonny Bill Spider vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
11:00:47: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Ignoracious Buttafucco. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Ignoracious Buttafucco mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Ignoracious Buttafucco took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Ignoracious Buttafucco put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Ignoracious Buttafucco crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Sonny Bill Spider to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Sonny Bill Spider came into view. Ignoracious Buttafucco pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Ignoracious Buttafucco had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Ignoracious Buttafucco barely heard Sonny Bill Spider running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Sonny Bill Spider continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
12:00:34: Mac Nielson is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Sonny Bill Spider after a failed package theft attempt. Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way.
12:39:48: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Iggy Starlord hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Iggy Starlord has used it, targeting Sonny Bill Spider's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Sonny Bill Spider's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Iggy Starlord's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Sonny Bill Spider dips their ship, skirting past Iggy Starlord and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
12:40:11: Iggy Starlord misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery of their package.
12:40:27: Iggy Starlord's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Sonny Bill Spider's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
12:42:42: Sonny Bill Spider's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Iggy Starlord's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
12:44:58: Iggy Starlord's ship rams head-first into Sonny Bill Spider's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate Sonny Bill Spider's cockpit. The package is snagged by Iggy Starlord after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
12:47:34: Sonny Bill Spider tried to sneak on board Iggy Starlord's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Iggy Starlord continues their delivery.
12:47:36: Iggy Starlord has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Iggy Starlord is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Sonny Bill Spider" scrawled on it in pink paint. Sonny Bill Spider picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Iggy Starlord. Fuck eaten. Good job, Sonny Bill Spider. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
12:48:33: Iggy Starlord is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Sonny Bill Spider after a failed package theft attempt. Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way.
12:48:39: Iggy Starlord bludgeons Sonny Bill Spider unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
12:48:42: Sonny Bill Spider's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Iggy Starlord's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
12:48:58: Iggy Starlord bludgeons Sonny Bill Spider unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
12:49:02: Iggy Starlord was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Sonny Bill Spider. Luckily, Iggy Starlord vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Iggy Starlord resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
12:49:05: Iggy Starlord is bloody from head to toe after a rough number of successful entanglements. "Geronimo, fuckstick!" They look up at the voice and see a a dot in the sky. It quickly turns into two dots: a sky born Sonny Bill Spider on a rocket powered hang-glider, and the portable thermonuclear device they've dropped. "Parcel transferred," can be heard from dispatch as Sonny Bill Spider swoops past the mangled corpse and snags the package.
12:49:10: Iggy Starlord shot a missile at Sonny Bill Spider and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Iggy Starlord.
12:49:12: Package delivered by Iggy Starlord for $380,000