16:37:54: Package picked up by Column McClowed
16:37:55: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco knows Column McClowed has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Ignoracious Buttafucco but the time is almost here. Column McClowed's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Ignoracious Buttafucco's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Ignoracious Buttafucco is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Ignoracious Buttafucco the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Column McClowed's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
21:06:39: Illiaen Abraxas shot a missile at Column McClowed and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Illiaen Abraxas.
23:03:42: Illiaen Abraxas was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Daggwood Bronson. Luckily, Illiaen Abraxas vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Illiaen Abraxas resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
23:11:33: Captain Shank tried to sneak on board Illiaen Abraxas's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Illiaen Abraxas continues their delivery.
23:20:38: Illiaen Abraxas was feeling THAT feeling. The feeling of the win just over the horizon. A smile crept across Illiaen Abraxas's face, thinking of exactly what they would use these credits to purchase, when Jax TellHER launched an electrified bola at their feet. Illiaen Abraxas can't quite internalize that the most painful step is also the most confident, as a dart is lodged into their neck before Illiaen Abraxas's head even hits the ground, bringing on many hours of sleep. Jax TellHER smiles as their delivery bracelet emits the familiar "Parcel transferred" message.
23:21:00: Jax TellHER has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Jax TellHER is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Calto Fremis" scrawled on it in pink paint. Calto Fremis picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Jax TellHER. Fuck eaten. Good job, Calto Fremis. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
00:37:03: Someone once told Illiaen Abraxas the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Calto Fremis got one over on Illiaen Abraxas once before. So definitely, for Illiaen Abraxas, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Illiaen Abraxas stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Illiaen Abraxas see's Calto Fremis running hurriedly down the street. Illiaen Abraxas takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Illiaen Abraxas ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Calto Fremis doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Illiaen Abraxas did not see before. Illiaen Abraxas takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Calto Fremis escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
00:37:11: Calto Fremis is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Calto Fremis smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Calto Fremis lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Calto Fremis's adrenaline. Illiaen Abraxas fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Calto Fremis. "Not today, my friend." Calto Fremis twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Illiaen Abraxas four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
00:37:23: Calto Fremis is bloody from head to toe after a rough number of successful entanglements. "Geronimo, fuckstick!" They look up at the voice and see a a dot in the sky. It quickly turns into two dots: a sky born Illiaen Abraxas on a rocket powered hang-glider, and the portable thermonuclear device they've dropped. "Parcel transferred," can be heard from dispatch as Illiaen Abraxas swoops past the mangled corpse and snags the package.
00:37:42: Illiaen Abraxas is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Buckaroo Banzai, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Buckaroo Banzai resumes delivery with the package.
00:37:47: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Illiaen Abraxas. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Illiaen Abraxas mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Illiaen Abraxas took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Illiaen Abraxas put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Illiaen Abraxas crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Buckaroo Banzai to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Buckaroo Banzai came into view. Illiaen Abraxas pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Illiaen Abraxas had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Illiaen Abraxas barely heard Buckaroo Banzai running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Buckaroo Banzai continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
00:37:52: Illiaen Abraxas steadily took aim from a second story window as Buckaroo Banzai ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Illiaen Abraxas inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Buckaroo Banzai resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
00:37:55: Package delivered by Buckaroo Banzai for $240,000