06:38:44: Package picked up by Calto Fremis
06:38:45: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Ignoracious Buttafucco. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Ignoracious Buttafucco mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Ignoracious Buttafucco took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Ignoracious Buttafucco put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Ignoracious Buttafucco crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Ignoracious Buttafucco pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Ignoracious Buttafucco had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Ignoracious Buttafucco barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
07:00:34: Calto Fremis is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Calto Fremis smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Calto Fremis lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Calto Fremis's adrenaline. Ignoracious Buttafucco fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Calto Fremis. "Not today, my friend." Calto Fremis twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Ignoracious Buttafucco four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
07:28:04: Calto Fremis was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Daggwood Bronson. Luckily, Calto Fremis vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Calto Fremis resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
07:28:14: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Daggwood Bronson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Daggwood Bronson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Daggwood Bronson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Daggwood Bronson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Daggwood Bronson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Daggwood Bronson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Daggwood Bronson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Daggwood Bronson barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
08:00:49: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Calto Fremis got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Calto Fremis running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Calto Fremis doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Calto Fremis escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
08:53:22: Feisty Gazebo's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Calto Fremis's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
09:00:45: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Blaylock Samson hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Blaylock Samson has used it, targeting Feisty Gazebo's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Feisty Gazebo's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Blaylock Samson's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Feisty Gazebo dips their ship, skirting past Blaylock Samson and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
10:00:36: Blaylock Samson steadily took aim from a second story window as Feisty Gazebo ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Blaylock Samson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Feisty Gazebo resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
11:00:44: Blaylock Samson steadily took aim from a second story window as Feisty Gazebo ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Blaylock Samson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Feisty Gazebo resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
12:00:46: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Blaylock Samson has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Feisty Gazebo ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Feisty Gazebo almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Blaylock Samson's trap. Frantic, Feisty Gazebo activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Feisty Gazebo hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Blaylock Samson manically runs after Feisty Gazebo firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Feisty Gazebo's grenades, losing a leg. Feisty Gazebo continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
13:00:40: Feisty Gazebo is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Feisty Gazebo smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Feisty Gazebo lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Feisty Gazebo's adrenaline. Ignoracious Buttafucco fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Feisty Gazebo. "Not today, my friend." Feisty Gazebo twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Ignoracious Buttafucco four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
13:53:59: Feisty Gazebo was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Leroy Palestine. Luckily, Feisty Gazebo vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Feisty Gazebo resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
13:54:06: Leroy Palestine is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Feisty Gazebo after a failed package theft attempt. Feisty Gazebo resumes on their way.
13:54:11: Leroy Palestine's ship rams head-first into Feisty Gazebo's ship, utilizing a unique metal plow to disintegrate Feisty Gazebo's cockpit. The package is snagged by Leroy Palestine after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
14:00:34: Ignoracious Buttafucco stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Leroy Palestine's destruction. Instead Leroy Palestine resumes on their way, Ignoracious Buttafucco's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
14:38:51: Package delivered by Leroy Palestine for $300,000