17:29:27: Package picked up by Buckaroo Banzai
17:29:28: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Ignoracious Buttafucco. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Ignoracious Buttafucco mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Ignoracious Buttafucco took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Ignoracious Buttafucco put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Ignoracious Buttafucco crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Buckaroo Banzai to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Buckaroo Banzai came into view. Ignoracious Buttafucco pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Ignoracious Buttafucco had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Ignoracious Buttafucco barely heard Buckaroo Banzai running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Buckaroo Banzai continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
18:06:56: Buckaroo Banzai has been sucked into a portable black hole shot from Jax TellHER's MSK-8500 rifle, not only losing the package to Jax TellHER, but flung to unknown reaches of the universe. "Parcel transferred."
18:09:50: Jax TellHER is bloody from head to toe after a rough number of successful entanglements. "Geronimo, fuckstick!" They look up at the voice and see a a dot in the sky. It quickly turns into two dots: a sky born Leroy Palestine on a rocket powered hang-glider, and the portable thermonuclear device they've dropped. "Parcel transferred," can be heard from dispatch as Leroy Palestine swoops past the mangled corpse and snags the package.
18:24:11: Someone once told Jax TellHER the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Leroy Palestine got one over on Jax TellHER once before. So definitely, for Jax TellHER, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Jax TellHER stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Jax TellHER see's Leroy Palestine running hurriedly down the street. Jax TellHER takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Jax TellHER ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Leroy Palestine doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Jax TellHER did not see before. Jax TellHER takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Leroy Palestine escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
18:24:17: Someone once told Buckaroo Banzai that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Buckaroo Banzai knows Leroy Palestine has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Buckaroo Banzai but the time is almost here. Leroy Palestine's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Buckaroo Banzai's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Buckaroo Banzai is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Buckaroo Banzai the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Leroy Palestine's thief rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
18:24:22: Buckaroo Banzai steadily took aim from a second story window as Leroy Palestine ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Buckaroo Banzai inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
18:24:34: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Buckaroo Banzai. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Buckaroo Banzai mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Buckaroo Banzai took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Buckaroo Banzai put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Buckaroo Banzai crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Leroy Palestine to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Leroy Palestine came into view. Buckaroo Banzai pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Buckaroo Banzai had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Buckaroo Banzai barely heard Leroy Palestine running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Leroy Palestine continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
18:24:36: Someone once told Jax TellHER the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Leroy Palestine got one over on Jax TellHER once before. So definitely, for Jax TellHER, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Jax TellHER stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Jax TellHER see's Leroy Palestine running hurriedly down the street. Jax TellHER takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Jax TellHER ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Leroy Palestine doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Jax TellHER did not see before. Jax TellHER takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Leroy Palestine escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
18:24:41: Leroy Palestine is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Leroy Palestine smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Leroy Palestine lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Leroy Palestine's adrenaline. Buckaroo Banzai fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Leroy Palestine. "Not today, my friend." Leroy Palestine twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Buckaroo Banzai four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
18:24:45: Leroy Palestine was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Jax TellHER. Luckily, Leroy Palestine vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
18:24:48: Buckaroo Banzai tried to sneak on board Leroy Palestine's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Leroy Palestine continues their delivery.
18:24:53: Someone once told Jax TellHER that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Jax TellHER knows Leroy Palestine has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Jax TellHER but the time is almost here. Leroy Palestine's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Jax TellHER's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Jax TellHER is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Jax TellHER the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Leroy Palestine's thief rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
18:24:53: Leroy Palestine has been sucked into a portable black hole shot from Buckaroo Banzai's MSK-8500 rifle, not only losing the package to Buckaroo Banzai, but flung to unknown reaches of the universe. "Parcel transferred."
18:29:27: Package delivered by Buckaroo Banzai for $260,000