03:38:59: Package picked up by Sonny Bill Spider
03:39:00: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Ignoracious Buttafucco has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Ignoracious Buttafucco's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Ignoracious Buttafucco manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
04:00:41: Ignoracious Buttafucco tried to sneak on board Sonny Bill Spider's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Sonny Bill Spider continues their delivery.
05:00:44: Mac Nielson tried to sneak on board Sonny Bill Spider's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Sonny Bill Spider continues their delivery.
06:00:29: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Ignoracious Buttafucco has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Ignoracious Buttafucco's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Ignoracious Buttafucco manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
06:23:02: Calto Fremis does not normally mourn death. Calto Fremis is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Calto Fremis thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Sonny Bill Spider emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Sonny Bill Spider dove, taking a shot mid-air. Sonny Bill Spider was not thinking about human connection, unlike Calto Fremis. This is arguably why Calto Fremis was shot in the gut. Sonny Bill Spider resumes their delivery, package in tow.
06:24:07: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Calto Fremis has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Calto Fremis's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Calto Fremis manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
06:24:14: Sonny Bill Spider was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Calto Fremis. Luckily, Sonny Bill Spider vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
06:24:16: Sonny Bill Spider was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Calto Fremis. Luckily, Sonny Bill Spider vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
06:24:19: Calto Fremis bludgeons Sonny Bill Spider unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
07:00:44: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Ignoracious Buttafucco hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Ignoracious Buttafucco has used it, targeting Calto Fremis's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Calto Fremis's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Ignoracious Buttafucco's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Calto Fremis dips their ship, skirting past Ignoracious Buttafucco and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
07:52:23: Sonny Bill Spider is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Calto Fremis after a failed package theft attempt. Calto Fremis resumes on their way.
07:52:26: Calto Fremis took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Sonny Bill Spider, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Sonny Bill Spider currently has the package.
08:00:23: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Sonny Bill Spider to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Sonny Bill Spider came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Sonny Bill Spider running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Sonny Bill Spider continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
08:03:43: Iggy Starlord shot a missile at Sonny Bill Spider and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Iggy Starlord.
09:00:40: Mac Nielson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Iggy Starlord's destruction. Instead Iggy Starlord resumes on their way, Mac Nielson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
09:51:18: Iggy Starlord is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Iggy Starlord smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Iggy Starlord lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Iggy Starlord's adrenaline. Sonny Bill Spider fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Iggy Starlord. "Not today, my friend." Iggy Starlord twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Sonny Bill Spider four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
09:51:24: Sonny Bill Spider stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Iggy Starlord's destruction. Instead Iggy Starlord resumes on their way, Sonny Bill Spider's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
09:51:29: Sonny Bill Spider tried to sneak on board Iggy Starlord's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Iggy Starlord continues their delivery.
09:51:32: Iggy Starlord leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Iggy Starlord is incinerated. Sonny Bill Spider throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Sonny Bill Spider breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Sonny Bill Spider whispers in reply.
10:00:23: Ignoracious Buttafucco is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Sonny Bill Spider after a failed package theft attempt. Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way.
10:11:39: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Iggy Starlord hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Iggy Starlord has used it, targeting Sonny Bill Spider's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Sonny Bill Spider's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Iggy Starlord's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Sonny Bill Spider dips their ship, skirting past Iggy Starlord and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
10:11:48: Iggy Starlord misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery of their package.
10:11:55: Iggy Starlord bludgeons Sonny Bill Spider unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
10:14:02: Sonny Bill Spider successfully spears Iggy Starlord to a wall through their chest. Iggy Starlord has time to yell, "You bastard," as Sonny Bill Spider snags the package from the ground in front of them. "Parcel transferred."
10:15:25: Sonny Bill Spider has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Sonny Bill Spider is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Iggy Starlord" scrawled on it in pink paint. Iggy Starlord picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Sonny Bill Spider. Fuck eaten. Good job, Iggy Starlord. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
10:17:46: As Iggy Starlord rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Sonny Bill Spider needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Iggy Starlord. "Parcel transferred."
10:18:19: Iggy Starlord misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery of their package.
10:18:25: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Iggy Starlord has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Iggy Starlord's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Iggy Starlord manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
10:18:34: Iggy Starlord is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Sonny Bill Spider after a failed package theft attempt. Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way.
10:18:42: Sonny Bill Spider is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Iggy Starlord, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Iggy Starlord resumes delivery with the package.
10:21:54: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Sonny Bill Spider hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Sonny Bill Spider has used it, targeting Iggy Starlord's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Iggy Starlord's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Sonny Bill Spider's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Iggy Starlord dips their ship, skirting past Sonny Bill Spider and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
10:21:58: Sonny Bill Spider does not normally mourn death. Sonny Bill Spider is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Sonny Bill Spider thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Iggy Starlord emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Iggy Starlord dove, taking a shot mid-air. Iggy Starlord was not thinking about human connection, unlike Sonny Bill Spider. This is arguably why Sonny Bill Spider was shot in the gut. Iggy Starlord resumes their delivery, package in tow.
10:22:03: Sonny Bill Spider steadily took aim from a second story window as Iggy Starlord ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Sonny Bill Spider inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Iggy Starlord resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
10:22:07: Iggy Starlord leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Iggy Starlord is incinerated. Sonny Bill Spider throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Sonny Bill Spider breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Sonny Bill Spider whispers in reply.
10:23:02: Sonny Bill Spider leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Iggy Starlord. Iggy Starlord smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Sonny Bill Spider is incinerated. Iggy Starlord throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Iggy Starlord breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Iggy Starlord whispers in reply.
10:34:45: Sonny Bill Spider stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Iggy Starlord's destruction. Instead Iggy Starlord resumes on their way, Sonny Bill Spider's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
10:34:53: Sonny Bill Spider is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Iggy Starlord after a failed package theft attempt. Iggy Starlord resumes on their way.
10:34:56: Iggy Starlord takes two shotgun blasts directly to the spine from Sonny Bill Spider, who continues on their way with the package. "Parcel transferred." Iggy Starlord will be paying a deductible to get this fixed.
11:00:25: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Sonny Bill Spider got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Sonny Bill Spider running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Sonny Bill Spider doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Sonny Bill Spider escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
11:14:26: Iggy Starlord does not normally mourn death. Iggy Starlord is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Iggy Starlord thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Sonny Bill Spider emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Sonny Bill Spider dove, taking a shot mid-air. Sonny Bill Spider was not thinking about human connection, unlike Iggy Starlord. This is arguably why Iggy Starlord was shot in the gut. Sonny Bill Spider resumes their delivery, package in tow.
11:14:35: Iggy Starlord successfully spears Sonny Bill Spider to a wall through their chest. Sonny Bill Spider has time to yell, "You bastard," as Iggy Starlord snags the package from the ground in front of them. "Parcel transferred."
11:35:45: Someone once told Sonny Bill Spider that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Sonny Bill Spider knows Iggy Starlord has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Sonny Bill Spider but the time is almost here. Iggy Starlord's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Sonny Bill Spider's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Sonny Bill Spider is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Sonny Bill Spider the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Iggy Starlord's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
11:35:50: Sonny Bill Spider bludgeons Iggy Starlord unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
11:39:02: Package delivered by Sonny Bill Spider for $860,000