12:33:01: Package picked up by Column McClowed
12:33:02: Someone once told Mac Nielson that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Mac Nielson knows Column McClowed has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Mac Nielson but the time is almost here. Column McClowed's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Mac Nielson's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Mac Nielson is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Mac Nielson the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Column McClowed's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
14:47:59: Column McClowed leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Leroy Palestine. Leroy Palestine smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Column McClowed is incinerated. Leroy Palestine throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Leroy Palestine breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Leroy Palestine whispers in reply.
15:14:58: Leroy Palestine is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Calto Fremis, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery with the package.
15:30:36: Jax TellHER steadily took aim from a second story window as Calto Fremis ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Jax TellHER inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Calto Fremis resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
15:30:47: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Jax TellHER. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Jax TellHER mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Jax TellHER took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Jax TellHER put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Jax TellHER crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Jax TellHER pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Jax TellHER had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Jax TellHER barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
15:30:53: Jax TellHER shot a missile at Calto Fremis and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Jax TellHER.
15:59:52: Jax TellHER took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Long Dread, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Long Dread currently has the package.
16:16:48: Long Dread leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Column McClowed. Column McClowed smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Long Dread is incinerated. Column McClowed throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Column McClowed breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Column McClowed whispers in reply.
16:30:29: Column McClowed has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Column McClowed is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Calto Fremis" scrawled on it in pink paint. Calto Fremis picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Column McClowed. Fuck eaten. Good job, Calto Fremis. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
16:30:50: Calto Fremis is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Calto Fremis smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Calto Fremis lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Calto Fremis's adrenaline. Column McClowed fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Calto Fremis. "Not today, my friend." Calto Fremis twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Column McClowed four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
16:31:25: Calto Fremis is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Calto Fremis smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Calto Fremis lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Calto Fremis's adrenaline. Column McClowed fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Calto Fremis. "Not today, my friend." Calto Fremis twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Column McClowed four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
16:31:36: Someone once told Column McClowed that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Column McClowed knows Calto Fremis has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Column McClowed but the time is almost here. Calto Fremis's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Column McClowed's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Column McClowed is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Column McClowed the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Calto Fremis's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
16:31:44: Calto Fremis is bloody from head to toe after a rough number of successful entanglements. "Geronimo, fuckstick!" They look up at the voice and see a a dot in the sky. It quickly turns into two dots: a sky born Column McClowed on a rocket powered hang-glider, and the portable thermonuclear device they've dropped. "Parcel transferred," can be heard from dispatch as Column McClowed swoops past the mangled corpse and snags the package.
16:33:01: Package delivered by Column McClowed for $260,000