06:15:18: Package picked up by Daggwood Bronson
06:15:19: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Mac Nielson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Mac Nielson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Mac Nielson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Mac Nielson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Mac Nielson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Daggwood Bronson to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Daggwood Bronson came into view. Mac Nielson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Mac Nielson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Mac Nielson barely heard Daggwood Bronson running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Daggwood Bronson continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
06:17:52: Iggy Starlord stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Daggwood Bronson's destruction. Instead Daggwood Bronson resumes on their way, Iggy Starlord's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
07:00:45: Someone once told Blaylock Samson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Daggwood Bronson got one over on Blaylock Samson once before. So definitely, for Blaylock Samson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Blaylock Samson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Blaylock Samson see's Daggwood Bronson running hurriedly down the street. Blaylock Samson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Blaylock Samson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Daggwood Bronson doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Blaylock Samson did not see before. Blaylock Samson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Daggwood Bronson escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
07:39:48: Someone once told Sonny Bill Spider that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Sonny Bill Spider knows Daggwood Bronson has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Sonny Bill Spider but the time is almost here. Daggwood Bronson's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Sonny Bill Spider's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Sonny Bill Spider is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Sonny Bill Spider the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Daggwood Bronson's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
07:52:27: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Iggy Starlord has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Daggwood Bronson ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Daggwood Bronson almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Iggy Starlord's trap. Frantic, Daggwood Bronson activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Daggwood Bronson hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Iggy Starlord manically runs after Daggwood Bronson firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Daggwood Bronson's grenades, losing a leg. Daggwood Bronson continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
08:00:26: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Daggwood Bronson got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Daggwood Bronson running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Daggwood Bronson doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Daggwood Bronson escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
09:00:47: Ignoracious Buttafucco stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Daggwood Bronson's destruction. Instead Daggwood Bronson resumes on their way, Ignoracious Buttafucco's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
09:19:06: Iggy Starlord does not normally mourn death. Iggy Starlord is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Iggy Starlord thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Daggwood Bronson emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Daggwood Bronson dove, taking a shot mid-air. Daggwood Bronson was not thinking about human connection, unlike Iggy Starlord. This is arguably why Iggy Starlord was shot in the gut. Daggwood Bronson resumes their delivery, package in tow.
09:19:19: Daggwood Bronson leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Iggy Starlord. Iggy Starlord smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Daggwood Bronson is incinerated. Iggy Starlord throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Iggy Starlord breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Iggy Starlord whispers in reply.
10:01:16: Iggy Starlord was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Mac Nielson. Luckily, Iggy Starlord vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Iggy Starlord resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
10:49:53: The smell of Iggy Starlord's completely immolated ship flares up Sonny Bill Spider's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Sonny Bill Spider's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Sonny Bill Spider continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
11:00:26: Blaylock Samson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Sonny Bill Spider's destruction. Instead Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way, Blaylock Samson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
12:00:23: Ignoracious Buttafucco does not normally mourn death. Ignoracious Buttafucco is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Ignoracious Buttafucco thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Sonny Bill Spider emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Sonny Bill Spider dove, taking a shot mid-air. Sonny Bill Spider was not thinking about human connection, unlike Ignoracious Buttafucco. This is arguably why Ignoracious Buttafucco was shot in the gut. Sonny Bill Spider resumes their delivery, package in tow.
13:00:21: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Blaylock Samson has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Blaylock Samson's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Blaylock Samson manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
13:14:02: Iggy Starlord misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery of their package.
13:14:26: Sonny Bill Spider is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Sonny Bill Spider smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Sonny Bill Spider lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Sonny Bill Spider's adrenaline. Iggy Starlord fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Sonny Bill Spider. "Not today, my friend." Sonny Bill Spider twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Iggy Starlord four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
13:41:26: Sonny Bill Spider leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Iggy Starlord. Iggy Starlord smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Sonny Bill Spider is incinerated. Iggy Starlord throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Iggy Starlord breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Iggy Starlord whispers in reply.
14:00:12: Mac Nielson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Iggy Starlord's destruction. Instead Iggy Starlord resumes on their way, Mac Nielson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
14:15:39: Package delivered by Iggy Starlord for $360,000