22:11:15: Package picked up by Iggy Starlord
22:11:16: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Iggy Starlord got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Iggy Starlord running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Iggy Starlord doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Iggy Starlord escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
22:26:06: Sonny Bill Spider misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Iggy Starlord. Iggy Starlord resumes delivery of their package.
22:26:44: The smell of Iggy Starlord's completely immolated ship flares up Sonny Bill Spider's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Sonny Bill Spider's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Sonny Bill Spider continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
23:00:27: Ignoracious Buttafucco misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Sonny Bill Spider. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery of their package.
00:01:01: Iggy Starlord shot a missile at Sonny Bill Spider and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Iggy Starlord.
00:07:40: Iggy Starlord was feeling THAT feeling. The feeling of the win just over the horizon. A smile crept across Iggy Starlord's face, thinking of exactly what they would use these credits to purchase, when Sonny Bill Spider launched an electrified bola at their feet. Iggy Starlord can't quite internalize that the most painful step is also the most confident, as a dart is lodged into their neck before Iggy Starlord's head even hits the ground, bringing on many hours of sleep. Sonny Bill Spider smiles as their delivery bracelet emits the familiar "Parcel transferred" message.
00:51:20: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Iggy Starlord hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Iggy Starlord has used it, targeting Sonny Bill Spider's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Sonny Bill Spider's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Iggy Starlord's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Sonny Bill Spider dips their ship, skirting past Iggy Starlord and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
00:51:48: Iggy Starlord does not normally mourn death. Iggy Starlord is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Iggy Starlord thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Sonny Bill Spider emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Sonny Bill Spider dove, taking a shot mid-air. Sonny Bill Spider was not thinking about human connection, unlike Iggy Starlord. This is arguably why Iggy Starlord was shot in the gut. Sonny Bill Spider resumes their delivery, package in tow.
00:52:29: Sonny Bill Spider is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Sonny Bill Spider smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Sonny Bill Spider lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Sonny Bill Spider's adrenaline. Iggy Starlord fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Sonny Bill Spider. "Not today, my friend." Sonny Bill Spider twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Iggy Starlord four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
00:53:17: Iggy Starlord does not normally mourn death. Iggy Starlord is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Iggy Starlord thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Sonny Bill Spider emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Sonny Bill Spider dove, taking a shot mid-air. Sonny Bill Spider was not thinking about human connection, unlike Iggy Starlord. This is arguably why Iggy Starlord was shot in the gut. Sonny Bill Spider resumes their delivery, package in tow.
00:54:28: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Iggy Starlord. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Iggy Starlord mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Iggy Starlord took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Iggy Starlord put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Iggy Starlord crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Sonny Bill Spider to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Sonny Bill Spider came into view. Iggy Starlord pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Iggy Starlord had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Iggy Starlord barely heard Sonny Bill Spider running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Sonny Bill Spider continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
00:54:59: Iggy Starlord fires two pistol shots at Sonny Bill Spider's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
02:33:30: Sonny Bill Spider's ship rams head-first into Iggy Starlord's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate Iggy Starlord's cockpit. The package is snagged by Sonny Bill Spider after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
03:18:47: Daggwood Bronson steadily took aim from a second story window as Sonny Bill Spider ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Daggwood Bronson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Sonny Bill Spider resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
03:18:51: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Daggwood Bronson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Daggwood Bronson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Daggwood Bronson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Daggwood Bronson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Daggwood Bronson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Sonny Bill Spider to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Sonny Bill Spider came into view. Daggwood Bronson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Daggwood Bronson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Daggwood Bronson barely heard Sonny Bill Spider running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Sonny Bill Spider continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
03:18:59: Daggwood Bronson's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Sonny Bill Spider's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
06:05:34: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Iggy Starlord has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Daggwood Bronson ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Daggwood Bronson almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Iggy Starlord's trap. Frantic, Daggwood Bronson activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Daggwood Bronson hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Iggy Starlord manically runs after Daggwood Bronson firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Daggwood Bronson's grenades, losing a leg. Daggwood Bronson continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
06:05:44: Iggy Starlord is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Daggwood Bronson after a failed package theft attempt. Daggwood Bronson resumes on their way.
06:05:53: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Iggy Starlord has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Daggwood Bronson ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Daggwood Bronson almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Iggy Starlord's trap. Frantic, Daggwood Bronson activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Daggwood Bronson hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Iggy Starlord manically runs after Daggwood Bronson firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Daggwood Bronson's grenades, losing a leg. Daggwood Bronson continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
06:06:04: Someone once told Iggy Starlord that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Iggy Starlord knows Daggwood Bronson has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Iggy Starlord but the time is almost here. Daggwood Bronson's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Iggy Starlord's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Iggy Starlord is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Iggy Starlord the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Daggwood Bronson's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
06:06:27: Daggwood Bronson has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Daggwood Bronson is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Iggy Starlord" scrawled on it in pink paint. Iggy Starlord picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Daggwood Bronson. Fuck eaten. Good job, Iggy Starlord. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
06:11:19: Package delivered by Iggy Starlord for $420,000