13:38:59: Package picked up by Column McClowed
13:39:00: Mac Nielson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Column McClowed's destruction. Instead Column McClowed resumes on their way, Mac Nielson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
14:00:16: Ignoracious Buttafucco is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Column McClowed after a failed package theft attempt. Column McClowed resumes on their way.
14:04:02: Sonny Bill Spider stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Column McClowed's destruction. Instead Column McClowed resumes on their way, Sonny Bill Spider's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
14:10:41: Someone once told Sonny Bill Spider that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Sonny Bill Spider knows Column McClowed has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Sonny Bill Spider but the time is almost here. Column McClowed's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Sonny Bill Spider's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Sonny Bill Spider is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Sonny Bill Spider the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Column McClowed's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
15:00:19: Blaylock Samson misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Column McClowed. Column McClowed resumes delivery of their package.
16:00:32: Column McClowed is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Column McClowed smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Column McClowed lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Column McClowed's adrenaline. Blaylock Samson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Column McClowed. "Not today, my friend." Column McClowed twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Blaylock Samson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
17:00:15: Someone once told Blaylock Samson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Column McClowed got one over on Blaylock Samson once before. So definitely, for Blaylock Samson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Blaylock Samson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Blaylock Samson see's Column McClowed running hurriedly down the street. Blaylock Samson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Blaylock Samson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Column McClowed doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Blaylock Samson did not see before. Blaylock Samson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Column McClowed escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
18:00:28: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco knows Column McClowed has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Ignoracious Buttafucco but the time is almost here. Column McClowed's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Ignoracious Buttafucco's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Ignoracious Buttafucco is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Ignoracious Buttafucco the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Column McClowed's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
19:00:42: Blaylock Samson misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Column McClowed. Column McClowed resumes delivery of their package.
20:00:23: Mac Nielson stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Column McClowed's destruction. Instead Column McClowed resumes on their way, Mac Nielson's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
21:00:28: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Mac Nielson has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Column McClowed ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Column McClowed almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Mac Nielson's trap. Frantic, Column McClowed activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Column McClowed hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Mac Nielson manically runs after Column McClowed firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Column McClowed's grenades, losing a leg. Column McClowed continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
21:39:16: Package delivered by Column McClowed for $220,000