04:00:53: Package picked up by Todd Huish
04:00:54: Someone once told Blaylock Samson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Todd Huish got one over on Blaylock Samson once before. So definitely, for Blaylock Samson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Blaylock Samson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Blaylock Samson see's Todd Huish running hurriedly down the street. Blaylock Samson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Blaylock Samson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Todd Huish doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Blaylock Samson did not see before. Blaylock Samson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Todd Huish escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
04:25:41: L.R. Snipestress does not normally mourn death. L.R. Snipestress is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of L.R. Snipestress thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Todd Huish emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Todd Huish dove, taking a shot mid-air. Todd Huish was not thinking about human connection, unlike L.R. Snipestress. This is arguably why L.R. Snipestress was shot in the gut. Todd Huish resumes their delivery, package in tow.
04:25:47: Todd Huish took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by L.R. Snipestress, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. L.R. Snipestress currently has the package.
05:00:33: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Mac Nielson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Mac Nielson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Mac Nielson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Mac Nielson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Mac Nielson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for L.R. Snipestress to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." L.R. Snipestress came into view. Mac Nielson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Mac Nielson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Mac Nielson barely heard L.R. Snipestress running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" L.R. Snipestress continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
05:52:06: Someone once told Leroy Palestine the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. L.R. Snipestress got one over on Leroy Palestine once before. So definitely, for Leroy Palestine, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Leroy Palestine stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Leroy Palestine see's L.R. Snipestress running hurriedly down the street. Leroy Palestine takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Leroy Palestine ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. L.R. Snipestress doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Leroy Palestine did not see before. Leroy Palestine takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see L.R. Snipestress escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
05:52:11: Leroy Palestine's ship rams head-first into L.R. Snipestress's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate L.R. Snipestress's cockpit. The package is snagged by Leroy Palestine after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
05:52:51: Calto Fremis misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Leroy Palestine. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery of their package.
05:52:56: Calto Fremis misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Leroy Palestine. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery of their package.
05:53:01: Calto Fremis does not normally mourn death. Calto Fremis is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Calto Fremis thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Leroy Palestine emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Leroy Palestine dove, taking a shot mid-air. Leroy Palestine was not thinking about human connection, unlike Calto Fremis. This is arguably why Calto Fremis was shot in the gut. Leroy Palestine resumes their delivery, package in tow.
05:53:06: Calto Fremis does not normally mourn death. Calto Fremis is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Calto Fremis thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Leroy Palestine emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Leroy Palestine dove, taking a shot mid-air. Leroy Palestine was not thinking about human connection, unlike Calto Fremis. This is arguably why Calto Fremis was shot in the gut. Leroy Palestine resumes their delivery, package in tow.
05:53:22: Calto Fremis fires two pistol shots at Leroy Palestine's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
05:55:21: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Leroy Palestine. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Leroy Palestine mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Leroy Palestine took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Leroy Palestine put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Leroy Palestine crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Leroy Palestine pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Leroy Palestine had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Leroy Palestine barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
05:55:27: Leroy Palestine shot a missile at Calto Fremis and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Leroy Palestine.
05:55:54: Calto Fremis steadily took aim from a second story window as Leroy Palestine ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Calto Fremis inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
05:55:59: Leroy Palestine is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Calto Fremis, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery with the package.
05:56:19: As Calto Fremis rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Leroy Palestine needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Calto Fremis. "Parcel transferred."
05:56:37: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Calto Fremis has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Leroy Palestine ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Leroy Palestine almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Calto Fremis's trap. Frantic, Leroy Palestine activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Leroy Palestine hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Calto Fremis manically runs after Leroy Palestine firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Leroy Palestine's grenades, losing a leg. Leroy Palestine continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
05:56:40: Leroy Palestine has been sucked into a portable black hole shot from Feisty Gazebo's MSK-8500 rifle, not only losing the package to Feisty Gazebo, but flung to unknown reaches of the universe. "Parcel transferred."
05:56:54: Calto Fremis's ship rams head-first into Feisty Gazebo's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate Feisty Gazebo's cockpit. The package is snagged by Calto Fremis after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
05:57:22: Someone once told Feisty Gazebo that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Feisty Gazebo knows Calto Fremis has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Feisty Gazebo but the time is almost here. Calto Fremis's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Feisty Gazebo's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Feisty Gazebo is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Feisty Gazebo the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Calto Fremis's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
05:57:29: Feisty Gazebo tried to sneak on board Calto Fremis's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Calto Fremis continues their delivery.
06:00:21: Ignoracious Buttafucco misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Calto Fremis. Calto Fremis resumes delivery of their package.
06:02:52: Calto Fremis was feeling THAT feeling. The feeling of the win just over the horizon. A smile crept across Calto Fremis's face, thinking of exactly what they would use these credits to purchase, when Long Dread launched an electrified bola at their feet. Calto Fremis can't quite internalize that the most painful step is also the most confident, as a dart is lodged into their neck before Calto Fremis's head even hits the ground, bringing on many hours of sleep. Long Dread smiles as their delivery bracelet emits the familiar "Parcel transferred" message.
06:11:17: Calto Fremis does not normally mourn death. Calto Fremis is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Calto Fremis thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Long Dread emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Long Dread dove, taking a shot mid-air. Long Dread was not thinking about human connection, unlike Calto Fremis. This is arguably why Calto Fremis was shot in the gut. Long Dread resumes their delivery, package in tow.
06:11:32: Calto Fremis is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Long Dread after a failed package theft attempt. Long Dread resumes on their way.
06:12:04: Long Dread has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Long Dread is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Calto Fremis" scrawled on it in pink paint. Calto Fremis picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Long Dread. Fuck eaten. Good job, Calto Fremis. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
06:17:25: Feisty Gazebo does not normally mourn death. Feisty Gazebo is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Feisty Gazebo thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Calto Fremis emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Calto Fremis dove, taking a shot mid-air. Calto Fremis was not thinking about human connection, unlike Feisty Gazebo. This is arguably why Feisty Gazebo was shot in the gut. Calto Fremis resumes their delivery, package in tow.
06:37:52: Feisty Gazebo stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Calto Fremis's destruction. Instead Calto Fremis resumes on their way, Feisty Gazebo's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
06:38:05: Feisty Gazebo tried to sneak on board Calto Fremis's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Calto Fremis continues their delivery.
06:38:16: Someone once told Feisty Gazebo the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Calto Fremis got one over on Feisty Gazebo once before. So definitely, for Feisty Gazebo, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Feisty Gazebo stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Feisty Gazebo see's Calto Fremis running hurriedly down the street. Feisty Gazebo takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Feisty Gazebo ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Calto Fremis doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Feisty Gazebo did not see before. Feisty Gazebo takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Calto Fremis escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
06:38:24: Calto Fremis has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Calto Fremis is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Feisty Gazebo" scrawled on it in pink paint. Feisty Gazebo picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Calto Fremis. Fuck eaten. Good job, Feisty Gazebo. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
06:44:17: Calto Fremis's ship rams head-first into Feisty Gazebo's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate Feisty Gazebo's cockpit. The package is snagged by Calto Fremis after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
07:00:02: Mac Nielson does not normally mourn death. Mac Nielson is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Mac Nielson thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Calto Fremis emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Calto Fremis dove, taking a shot mid-air. Calto Fremis was not thinking about human connection, unlike Mac Nielson. This is arguably why Mac Nielson was shot in the gut. Calto Fremis resumes their delivery, package in tow.
07:17:14: The smell of Calto Fremis's completely immolated ship flares up Leroy Palestine's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Leroy Palestine's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Leroy Palestine continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
07:17:35: Calto Fremis misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Leroy Palestine. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery of their package.
07:17:40: Leroy Palestine took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Calto Fremis, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Calto Fremis currently has the package.
08:00:00: Ignoracious Buttafucco misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Calto Fremis. Calto Fremis resumes delivery of their package.
08:00:54: Package delivered by Calto Fremis for $740,000