23:30:52: Package picked up by Column McClowed
23:30:53: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Ignoracious Buttafucco has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Column McClowed ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Column McClowed almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Ignoracious Buttafucco's trap. Frantic, Column McClowed activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Column McClowed hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Ignoracious Buttafucco manically runs after Column McClowed firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Column McClowed's grenades, losing a leg. Column McClowed continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
01:12:10: Sonny Bill Spider successfully spears Column McClowed to a wall through their chest. Column McClowed has time to yell, "You bastard," as Sonny Bill Spider snags the package from the ground in front of them. "Parcel transferred."
01:44:13: As Sonny Bill Spider rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Column McClowed needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Sonny Bill Spider. "Parcel transferred."
02:46:55: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Calto Fremis has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Column McClowed ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Column McClowed almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Calto Fremis's trap. Frantic, Column McClowed activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Column McClowed hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Calto Fremis manically runs after Column McClowed firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Column McClowed's grenades, losing a leg. Column McClowed continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
02:47:00: Column McClowed is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Calto Fremis, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery with the package.
03:06:29: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Column McClowed. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Column McClowed mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Column McClowed took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Column McClowed put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Column McClowed crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Column McClowed pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Column McClowed had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Column McClowed barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
03:07:20: Column McClowed does not normally mourn death. Column McClowed is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Column McClowed thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Calto Fremis emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Calto Fremis dove, taking a shot mid-air. Calto Fremis was not thinking about human connection, unlike Column McClowed. This is arguably why Column McClowed was shot in the gut. Calto Fremis resumes their delivery, package in tow.
03:07:26: Calto Fremis has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Calto Fremis is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Column McClowed" scrawled on it in pink paint. Column McClowed picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Calto Fremis. Fuck eaten. Good job, Column McClowed. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
04:17:07: Someone once told Sonny Bill Spider the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Column McClowed got one over on Sonny Bill Spider once before. So definitely, for Sonny Bill Spider, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Sonny Bill Spider stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Sonny Bill Spider see's Column McClowed running hurriedly down the street. Sonny Bill Spider takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Sonny Bill Spider ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Column McClowed doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Sonny Bill Spider did not see before. Sonny Bill Spider takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Column McClowed escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
04:46:56: Column McClowed has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Column McClowed is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Sonny Bill Spider" scrawled on it in pink paint. Sonny Bill Spider picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Column McClowed. Fuck eaten. Good job, Sonny Bill Spider. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
07:31:29: Package delivered by Sonny Bill Spider for $200,000