00:47:57: Package picked up by L.R. Snipestress
00:47:58: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Ignoracious Buttafucco hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Ignoracious Buttafucco has used it, targeting L.R. Snipestress's ship as it races across the horizon. However, L.R. Snipestress's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Ignoracious Buttafucco's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. L.R. Snipestress dips their ship, skirting past Ignoracious Buttafucco and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
01:25:17: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Ignoracious Buttafucco hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Ignoracious Buttafucco has used it, targeting L.R. Snipestress's ship as it races across the horizon. However, L.R. Snipestress's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Ignoracious Buttafucco's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. L.R. Snipestress dips their ship, skirting past Ignoracious Buttafucco and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
02:09:29: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco knows L.R. Snipestress has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Ignoracious Buttafucco but the time is almost here. L.R. Snipestress's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Ignoracious Buttafucco's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Ignoracious Buttafucco is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Ignoracious Buttafucco the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. L.R. Snipestress's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
02:09:51: L.R. Snipestress was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Daggwood Bronson. Luckily, L.R. Snipestress vaulted over it, only severing one foot. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
02:09:58: Daggwood Bronson bludgeons L.R. Snipestress unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
02:27:22: Column McClowed steadily took aim from a second story window as Daggwood Bronson ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Column McClowed inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Daggwood Bronson resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
02:27:41: Column McClowed shot a missile at Daggwood Bronson and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Column McClowed.
02:38:28: L.R. Snipestress steadily took aim from a second story window as Column McClowed ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, L.R. Snipestress inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Column McClowed resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
02:38:31: As Column McClowed rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all L.R. Snipestress needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Column McClowed. "Parcel transferred."
03:14:05: Blaylock Samson steadily took aim from a second story window as L.R. Snipestress ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Blaylock Samson inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
04:00:22: Mac Nielson tried to sneak on board L.R. Snipestress's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. L.R. Snipestress continues their delivery.
04:27:01: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Calto Fremis. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Calto Fremis mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Calto Fremis took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Calto Fremis put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Calto Fremis crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for L.R. Snipestress to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." L.R. Snipestress came into view. Calto Fremis pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Calto Fremis had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Calto Fremis barely heard L.R. Snipestress running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" L.R. Snipestress continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
04:27:06: Calto Fremis steadily took aim from a second story window as L.R. Snipestress ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Calto Fremis inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
04:27:20: Calto Fremis misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at L.R. Snipestress. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery of their package.
04:27:23: Calto Fremis stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure L.R. Snipestress's destruction. Instead L.R. Snipestress resumes on their way, Calto Fremis's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
04:27:27: As L.R. Snipestress rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Calto Fremis needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of L.R. Snipestress. "Parcel transferred."
04:45:53: L.R. Snipestress stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Calto Fremis's destruction. Instead Calto Fremis resumes on their way, L.R. Snipestress's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
04:45:56: Calto Fremis has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Calto Fremis is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, L.R. Snipestress" scrawled on it in pink paint. L.R. Snipestress picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Calto Fremis. Fuck eaten. Good job, L.R. Snipestress. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
04:47:58: Package delivered by L.R. Snipestress for $360,000