04:44:59: Package picked up by Long Dread
04:45:00: Someone once told Blaylock Samson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Long Dread got one over on Blaylock Samson once before. So definitely, for Blaylock Samson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Blaylock Samson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Blaylock Samson see's Long Dread running hurriedly down the street. Blaylock Samson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Blaylock Samson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Long Dread doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Blaylock Samson did not see before. Blaylock Samson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Long Dread escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
05:00:33: Ignoracious Buttafucco steadily took aim from a second story window as Long Dread ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Ignoracious Buttafucco inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Long Dread resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
05:16:55: Leroy Palestine shot a missile at Long Dread and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Leroy Palestine.
05:18:17: Leroy Palestine was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Daggwood Bronson. Luckily, Leroy Palestine vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
05:18:29: Leroy Palestine is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Leroy Palestine smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Leroy Palestine lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Leroy Palestine's adrenaline. Daggwood Bronson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Leroy Palestine. "Not today, my friend." Leroy Palestine twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Daggwood Bronson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
05:19:05: Daggwood Bronson tried to sneak on board Leroy Palestine's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Leroy Palestine continues their delivery.
05:19:09: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Daggwood Bronson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Daggwood Bronson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Daggwood Bronson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Daggwood Bronson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Daggwood Bronson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Leroy Palestine to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Leroy Palestine came into view. Daggwood Bronson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Daggwood Bronson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Daggwood Bronson barely heard Leroy Palestine running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Leroy Palestine continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
05:24:21: Long Dread tried to sneak on board Leroy Palestine's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Leroy Palestine continues their delivery.
05:24:35: Leroy Palestine takes two shotgun blasts directly to the spine from Long Dread, who continues on their way with the package. "Parcel transferred." Leroy Palestine will be paying a deductible to get this fixed.
05:31:08: Long Dread took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by L.R. Snipestress, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. L.R. Snipestress currently has the package.
05:32:59: L.R. Snipestress has been sucked into a portable black hole shot from Long Dread's MSK-8500 rifle, not only losing the package to Long Dread, but flung to unknown reaches of the universe. "Parcel transferred."
05:34:52: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Leroy Palestine has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Long Dread ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Long Dread almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Leroy Palestine's trap. Frantic, Long Dread activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Long Dread hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Leroy Palestine manically runs after Long Dread firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Long Dread's grenades, losing a leg. Long Dread continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
05:34:58: Someone once told Leroy Palestine the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Long Dread got one over on Leroy Palestine once before. So definitely, for Leroy Palestine, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Leroy Palestine stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Leroy Palestine see's Long Dread running hurriedly down the street. Leroy Palestine takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Leroy Palestine ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Long Dread doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Leroy Palestine did not see before. Leroy Palestine takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Long Dread escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
05:35:12: Long Dread leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Leroy Palestine. Leroy Palestine smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Long Dread is incinerated. Leroy Palestine throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Leroy Palestine breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Leroy Palestine whispers in reply.
05:35:26: Leroy Palestine is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Leroy Palestine smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Leroy Palestine lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Leroy Palestine's adrenaline. Long Dread fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Leroy Palestine. "Not today, my friend." Leroy Palestine twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Long Dread four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
05:35:31: Someone once told Long Dread the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Leroy Palestine got one over on Long Dread once before. So definitely, for Long Dread, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Long Dread stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Long Dread see's Leroy Palestine running hurriedly down the street. Long Dread takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Long Dread ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Leroy Palestine doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Long Dread did not see before. Long Dread takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Leroy Palestine escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
05:35:32: Daggwood Bronson is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Leroy Palestine after a failed package theft attempt. Leroy Palestine resumes on their way.
05:35:35: Leroy Palestine is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Leroy Palestine smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Leroy Palestine lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Leroy Palestine's adrenaline. Daggwood Bronson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Leroy Palestine. "Not today, my friend." Leroy Palestine twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Daggwood Bronson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
05:35:35: Long Dread steadily took aim from a second story window as Leroy Palestine ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Long Dread inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
05:35:38: Daggwood Bronson is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Leroy Palestine after a failed package theft attempt. Leroy Palestine resumes on their way.
05:35:40: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Long Dread. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Long Dread mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Long Dread took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Long Dread put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Long Dread crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Leroy Palestine to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Leroy Palestine came into view. Long Dread pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Long Dread had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Long Dread barely heard Leroy Palestine running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Leroy Palestine continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
05:35:41: Leroy Palestine is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Leroy Palestine smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Leroy Palestine lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Leroy Palestine's adrenaline. Daggwood Bronson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Leroy Palestine. "Not today, my friend." Leroy Palestine twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Daggwood Bronson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
05:35:46: Long Dread steadily took aim from a second story window as Leroy Palestine ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Long Dread inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
05:35:52: Long Dread bludgeons Leroy Palestine unconscious with a large metal crowbar, laughing and dancing over their bloody mangled body. "Parcel transferred."
05:36:00: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Daggwood Bronson hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Daggwood Bronson has used it, targeting Long Dread's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Long Dread's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Daggwood Bronson's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Long Dread dips their ship, skirting past Daggwood Bronson and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
05:36:03: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Daggwood Bronson has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Long Dread ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Long Dread almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Daggwood Bronson's trap. Frantic, Long Dread activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Long Dread hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Daggwood Bronson manically runs after Long Dread firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Long Dread's grenades, losing a leg. Long Dread continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
05:36:55: As Long Dread rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Leroy Palestine needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Long Dread. "Parcel transferred."
05:37:07: Long Dread fires two pistol shots at Leroy Palestine's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
05:37:42: Leroy Palestine's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Long Dread's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
05:37:55: Long Dread successfully spears Leroy Palestine to a wall through their chest. Leroy Palestine has time to yell, "You bastard," as Long Dread snags the package from the ground in front of them. "Parcel transferred."
05:38:26: The wonderful thing about lasers, although expensive, is their ability to slice entirely through a surface and sever. Long Dread rounds a corner and only has a split second to see a blinding red light, before being decapitated by a slicingly accurate laser blast from Leroy Palestine. The package rolls to their feet. "Parcel transferred." Leroy Palestine resumes delivery of the stolen package.
05:38:34: The smell of Leroy Palestine's completely immolated ship flares up Long Dread's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Long Dread's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Long Dread continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
05:38:57: As Long Dread rounds a corner, they are distracted for more than a split second by a hastily posted cardboard cut-out of a Zyxxan Hound fornicating with a famous human politician from centuries before. This momentarily lapse in focus is all Leroy Palestine needs in order to slam a large whirring chainsaw into the chest of Long Dread. "Parcel transferred."
05:39:19: Long Dread tried to sneak on board Leroy Palestine's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Leroy Palestine continues their delivery.
05:39:24: Leroy Palestine leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Long Dread. Long Dread smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Leroy Palestine is incinerated. Long Dread throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Long Dread breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Long Dread whispers in reply.
05:40:09: Long Dread is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Long Dread smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Long Dread lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Long Dread's adrenaline. Leroy Palestine fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Long Dread. "Not today, my friend." Long Dread twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Leroy Palestine four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
05:40:16: Leroy Palestine fires two pistol shots at Long Dread's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
05:41:04: Long Dread does not normally mourn death. Long Dread is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Long Dread thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Leroy Palestine emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Leroy Palestine dove, taking a shot mid-air. Leroy Palestine was not thinking about human connection, unlike Long Dread. This is arguably why Long Dread was shot in the gut. Leroy Palestine resumes their delivery, package in tow.
05:41:09: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Calto Fremis hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Calto Fremis has used it, targeting Leroy Palestine's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Leroy Palestine's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Calto Fremis's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Leroy Palestine dips their ship, skirting past Calto Fremis and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
05:41:10: Leroy Palestine was feeling THAT feeling. The feeling of the win just over the horizon. A smile crept across Leroy Palestine's face, thinking of exactly what they would use these credits to purchase, when Long Dread launched an electrified bola at their feet. Leroy Palestine can't quite internalize that the most painful step is also the most confident, as a dart is lodged into their neck before Leroy Palestine's head even hits the ground, bringing on many hours of sleep. Long Dread smiles as their delivery bracelet emits the familiar "Parcel transferred" message.
05:41:15: Calto Fremis tried to sneak on board Long Dread's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Long Dread continues their delivery.
05:41:20: Long Dread is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Calto Fremis, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery with the package.
05:41:45: Long Dread's ship rams head-first into Calto Fremis's ship, utilizing a superheated prow to disintegrate Calto Fremis's cockpit. The package is snagged by Long Dread after a daring space walk. "Parcel transferred."
05:41:55: Long Dread has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Long Dread is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Calto Fremis" scrawled on it in pink paint. Calto Fremis picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Long Dread. Fuck eaten. Good job, Calto Fremis. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
05:42:10: Someone once told Long Dread the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Calto Fremis got one over on Long Dread once before. So definitely, for Long Dread, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Long Dread stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Long Dread see's Calto Fremis running hurriedly down the street. Long Dread takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Long Dread ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Calto Fremis doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Long Dread did not see before. Long Dread takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Calto Fremis escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
05:42:16: Long Dread steadily took aim from a second story window as Calto Fremis ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Long Dread inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Calto Fremis resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
05:42:22: Calto Fremis leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Long Dread. Long Dread smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Calto Fremis is incinerated. Long Dread throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Long Dread breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Long Dread whispers in reply.
05:42:40: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Calto Fremis hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Calto Fremis has used it, targeting Long Dread's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Long Dread's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Calto Fremis's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Long Dread dips their ship, skirting past Calto Fremis and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
05:42:46: Long Dread took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Calto Fremis, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Calto Fremis currently has the package.
05:42:55: There are automatic rifles and there are these. The GZNKA tank killer is surprisingly light as Long Dread hefts it on their shoulder. The rounds are known to puncture holes two feet wide through heavy ship armor, and are held in a backpack and fed via sling. It is this reason alone that Long Dread has used it, targeting Calto Fremis's ship as it races across the horizon. However, Calto Fremis's ship is not only retrofitted with two meter thick armor, but also an electronic shielding system. Long Dread's rounds do find their way through the shields, but only make it one foot into the armor. Calto Fremis dips their ship, skirting past Long Dread and giving them third degree thruster burns across half of their body.
05:43:02: Long Dread stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Calto Fremis's destruction. Instead Calto Fremis resumes on their way, Long Dread's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
05:45:00: Package delivered by Calto Fremis for $1,020,000