08:06:36: Package picked up by Sonny Bill Spider
08:06:37: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Sonny Bill Spider to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Sonny Bill Spider came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Sonny Bill Spider running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Sonny Bill Spider continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
09:13:48: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Sonny Bill Spider got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Sonny Bill Spider running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Sonny Bill Spider doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Sonny Bill Spider escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
10:06:01: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Ignoracious Buttafucco has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Ignoracious Buttafucco's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Ignoracious Buttafucco manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
11:35:29: Sonny Bill Spider is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Sonny Bill Spider smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Sonny Bill Spider lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Sonny Bill Spider's adrenaline. Blaylock Samson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Sonny Bill Spider. "Not today, my friend." Sonny Bill Spider twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Blaylock Samson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
12:00:40: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Sonny Bill Spider to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Sonny Bill Spider came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Sonny Bill Spider running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Sonny Bill Spider continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
13:12:17: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco knows Sonny Bill Spider has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Ignoracious Buttafucco but the time is almost here. Sonny Bill Spider's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Ignoracious Buttafucco's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Ignoracious Buttafucco is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Ignoracious Buttafucco the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Sonny Bill Spider's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
13:15:24: The smell of Sonny Bill Spider's completely immolated ship flares up Calto Fremis's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Calto Fremis's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Calto Fremis continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
14:13:00: Mac Nielson does not normally mourn death. Mac Nielson is accustomed to the loss of those they meet, in one capacity or another. But that last death. A split second of Mac Nielson thinking about it meant they were a split second too late on the trigger as Calto Fremis emerged from the parking garage, package in tow. The shot missed. Calto Fremis dove, taking a shot mid-air. Calto Fremis was not thinking about human connection, unlike Mac Nielson. This is arguably why Mac Nielson was shot in the gut. Calto Fremis resumes their delivery, package in tow.
14:13:33: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Sonny Bill Spider. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Sonny Bill Spider mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Sonny Bill Spider took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Sonny Bill Spider put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Sonny Bill Spider crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Calto Fremis to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Calto Fremis came into view. Sonny Bill Spider pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Sonny Bill Spider had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Sonny Bill Spider barely heard Calto Fremis running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Calto Fremis continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
14:41:54: Someone once told Sonny Bill Spider the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Calto Fremis got one over on Sonny Bill Spider once before. So definitely, for Sonny Bill Spider, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Sonny Bill Spider stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Sonny Bill Spider see's Calto Fremis running hurriedly down the street. Sonny Bill Spider takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Sonny Bill Spider ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Calto Fremis doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Sonny Bill Spider did not see before. Sonny Bill Spider takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Calto Fremis escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
14:42:11: Sonny Bill Spider is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Calto Fremis after a failed package theft attempt. Calto Fremis resumes on their way.
14:42:30: Sonny Bill Spider fires two pistol shots at Calto Fremis's kneecaps, dropping them to their knees. "Parcel transferred."
15:00:25: The delivery point only has one way in, about a hundred yards away from a gated entry. Blaylock Samson has taken the precaution of wrapping that entire entry-way with barbed wire. The only issue with barbed wire in this day and age is that once spotted, it can be avoided. Sonny Bill Spider ignites their rocket boots, attempting to vault over the death trap. Sonny Bill Spider almost makes it, but is caught on their ankles, immediately becoming a tangled bloody mess in Blaylock Samson's trap. Frantic, Sonny Bill Spider activates their shield generator which creates a kinetic field of energy around their body, and it successfully severs most of the barbed wire. Limping, Sonny Bill Spider hustles towards the remainder of the delivery path, lobbing grenades over their shoulder. As Blaylock Samson manically runs after Sonny Bill Spider firing rounds in their direction, they are caught in one of Sonny Bill Spider's grenades, losing a leg. Sonny Bill Spider continues, hobbling, towards the delivery point.
15:07:44: Calto Fremis stumbles into their own trap: a hole dug in the ground full of Ixyotik Death Wasps meant to ensure Sonny Bill Spider's destruction. Instead Sonny Bill Spider resumes on their way, Calto Fremis's agonizing screams ringing in their ears.
15:07:48: Sonny Bill Spider is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Calto Fremis, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Calto Fremis resumes delivery with the package.
16:00:21: Calto Fremis was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Mac Nielson. Luckily, Calto Fremis vaulted over it, only severing one foot. Calto Fremis resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
16:07:34: Package delivered by Calto Fremis for $320,000