18:30:03: Package picked up by Jax TellHER
18:30:04: Someone once told Ignoracious Buttafucco the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Jax TellHER got one over on Ignoracious Buttafucco once before. So definitely, for Ignoracious Buttafucco, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Ignoracious Buttafucco stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Ignoracious Buttafucco see's Jax TellHER running hurriedly down the street. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Ignoracious Buttafucco ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Jax TellHER doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Ignoracious Buttafucco did not see before. Ignoracious Buttafucco takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Jax TellHER escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
19:33:27: Jax TellHER took a shortcut due to a fake sign placed by Harrison Ware, tripping over a portable road spike, and then landing in a field of Guruvian Nesters, an exotic species known for their sexual appetite. Harrison Ware currently has the package.
20:01:52: Long Dread is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Long Dread smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Long Dread lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Long Dread's adrenaline. Leroy Palestine fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Long Dread. "Not today, my friend." Long Dread twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Leroy Palestine four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
20:02:06: Long Dread has managed to somehow evade theft of the package thus far. Long Dread is feeling good. DAMN good. Unfortunately that feeling is momentarily suspended as a shot rings out, severing a cable holding up a net full of 700 pounds of refuse with a sign that has "Eat My Fuck - Cheers, Leroy Palestine" scrawled on it in pink paint. Leroy Palestine picks up the package which lies next to the mangled limbs of Long Dread. Fuck eaten. Good job, Leroy Palestine. "Parcel Transferred." You have the package. Now get that sucker to the finish line.
20:16:50: Long Dread steadily took aim from a second story window as Leroy Palestine ran by below. Sweat dotting their forehead, Long Dread inhaled sharply and squeezed the trigger. It was a miss. Leroy Palestine resumes delivery, trying to ignore the echoing rifle shot and fragments of wall exploding just overhead.
20:17:01: Someone once told Long Dread the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Leroy Palestine got one over on Long Dread once before. So definitely, for Long Dread, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Long Dread stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Long Dread see's Leroy Palestine running hurriedly down the street. Long Dread takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Long Dread ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Leroy Palestine doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Long Dread did not see before. Long Dread takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Leroy Palestine escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
20:17:45: Long Dread tried to sneak on board Leroy Palestine's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Leroy Palestine continues their delivery.
20:17:52: Leroy Palestine is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Leroy Palestine smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Leroy Palestine lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Leroy Palestine's adrenaline. Long Dread fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Leroy Palestine. "Not today, my friend." Leroy Palestine twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Long Dread four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
20:17:57: Long Dread shot a missile at Leroy Palestine and obliterated their ship. All that was left was the package which was picked up and continued its journey with Long Dread.
20:24:41: Long Dread is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Sable Nyx, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Sable Nyx resumes delivery with the package.
20:29:31: Sable Nyx is bloody from head to toe after a rough number of successful entanglements. "Geronimo, fuckstick!" They look up at the voice and see a a dot in the sky. It quickly turns into two dots: a sky born Leroy Palestine on a rocket powered hang-glider, and the portable thermonuclear device they've dropped. "Parcel transferred," can be heard from dispatch as Leroy Palestine swoops past the mangled corpse and snags the package.
20:33:20: Leroy Palestine was feeling THAT feeling. The feeling of the win just over the horizon. A smile crept across Leroy Palestine's face, thinking of exactly what they would use these credits to purchase, when Long Dread launched an electrified bola at their feet. Leroy Palestine can't quite internalize that the most painful step is also the most confident, as a dart is lodged into their neck before Leroy Palestine's head even hits the ground, bringing on many hours of sleep. Long Dread smiles as their delivery bracelet emits the familiar "Parcel transferred" message.
20:35:22: Leroy Palestine tried to sneak on board Long Dread's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Long Dread continues their delivery.
20:35:28: The smell of Long Dread's completely immolated ship flares up Leroy Palestine's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Leroy Palestine's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Leroy Palestine continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
21:48:36: Someone once told Long Dread that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Long Dread knows Leroy Palestine has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Long Dread but the time is almost here. Leroy Palestine's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Long Dread's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Long Dread is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Long Dread the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Leroy Palestine's thief rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
21:48:41: The smell of Leroy Palestine's completely immolated ship flares up Long Dread's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Long Dread's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Long Dread continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
22:26:46: Long Dread leaps off of a second story building on to a tall dumpster, shortening the fall. Unfortunately this dumpster is full of explosives placed by Sable Nyx. Sable Nyx smiles as they plunge their thumb onto the detonator switch, their face ignited by a pillar of flames as Long Dread is incinerated. Sable Nyx throws the detonator over their shoulder as they pick up the package that rolls to their feet as if it was meant for them. Sable Nyx breaks into a fast run, taking the stolen package with them. "Parcel transferred," emits from their delivery bracelet signifying even more credits to be earned. "Parcel transferred, indeed," Sable Nyx whispers in reply.
22:27:26: The smell of Sable Nyx's completely immolated ship flares up Leroy Palestine's nostrils as a tow cable yanks the package from the flaming wreck. "Parcel transferred" emit's from Leroy Palestine's bracelet, signaling more credits to be made. Leroy Palestine continues towards the delivery point, package in tow.
22:27:33: Leroy Palestine is riddled with repetitive machine gun fire from Long Dread, falling to their knees and letting the package slip from their fingers. "Parcel transferred." Long Dread resumes delivery with the package.
22:29:57: Leroy Palestine tried to sneak on board Long Dread's ship but a security robot detected and repelled the attempt. Long Dread continues their delivery.
22:30:03: Package delivered by Long Dread for $400,000