05:21:29: Package picked up by Daggwood Bronson
05:21:30: Today started as a uniquely bright one for Blaylock Samson. A wonderful breakfast. "Have a great day at the service," and a kiss from their lover. Blaylock Samson mused, "Why ruin a good thing? I'll steal a package instead of being the idiot that always starts a delivery." Blaylock Samson took their time, looking at the myriad of packages currently traversing the universe as well as the armaments at their disposal. "Ah, that's the one. I'm here already." Blaylock Samson put on their favorite guilty pleasure of a song on an audio device, and hummed along, out of tune, as they laid down a multi-celled rocket launcher in the middle of the street on a hefty tripod. Blaylock Samson crouched a fair distance away, readying their goggles and watching for Daggwood Bronson to come running down the road, package in tow. "I know this one. Never been able to handle their Zygerian Rum. They won't be able to handle this either." Daggwood Bronson came into view. Blaylock Samson pushed the hand-held trigger mechanism. Suddenly, the rocket launcher whirled on it's pivot, pointing at the abode Blaylock Samson had just left. "What? How?" As the rockets burnt the denizens inside to a crisp, Blaylock Samson barely heard Daggwood Bronson running by shouting, "Always pack a signal disrupter, dickhead!" Daggwood Bronson continued on without breaking a step, the package remaining in tow.
06:00:21: Someone once told Mac Nielson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Daggwood Bronson got one over on Mac Nielson once before. So definitely, for Mac Nielson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Mac Nielson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Mac Nielson see's Daggwood Bronson running hurriedly down the street. Mac Nielson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Mac Nielson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Daggwood Bronson doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Mac Nielson did not see before. Mac Nielson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Daggwood Bronson escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
07:00:02: Ignoracious Buttafucco is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by Daggwood Bronson after a failed package theft attempt. Daggwood Bronson resumes on their way.
08:00:00: Someone once told Mac Nielson the best way to handle this job is like it's personal. Not business. Daggwood Bronson got one over on Mac Nielson once before. So definitely, for Mac Nielson, that advice hits close to the chest. No guns. Not this time. Mac Nielson stakes out the area. Hides in the shadows. Mac Nielson see's Daggwood Bronson running hurriedly down the street. Mac Nielson takes one last look at the triple barrel sawed-off shotgun in their sling. Certainly safer. No. It's time for revenge. Mac Nielson ducks out of the corner, an electrically charged knife in a firm grip. Daggwood Bronson doesn't even skip a beat, slicing downward with a chainsaw that Mac Nielson did not see before. Mac Nielson takes a long horrified look at their severed limb on the ground, still clutching the knife, and then once more up to see Daggwood Bronson escaping with the package still in tow far down the road. Don't worry. The Intergalactic Postal Service has excellent health coverage for limb replacement.
09:59:07: Ignoracious Buttafucco misses their double-fisted pistol shots. A sad attempt involving a total of 24 rounds fired at Daggwood Bronson. Daggwood Bronson resumes delivery of their package.
10:00:33: Daggwood Bronson is on a roll, carving a violent swathe through everything in their path when they enter a crossroads. Dangerous territory. A field of Space Bastards, but Daggwood Bronson smiles. Winners aren't born; they're built. Daggwood Bronson lets loose a volley of grenades while igniting their rocket boots, soaring over the carnage below. One failed attempt. Two. Three. Four. Each attempted theft of the package raises Daggwood Bronson's adrenaline. Mac Nielson fires a wrist mounted laser, signing the hip of Daggwood Bronson. "Not today, my friend." Daggwood Bronson twists in mid-air and strafes the area with bullets, hitting Mac Nielson four times square in the torso and then resumes delivery.
10:42:25: Someone once told L.R. Snipestress that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. L.R. Snipestress knows Daggwood Bronson has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on L.R. Snipestress but the time is almost here. Daggwood Bronson's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. L.R. Snipestress's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. L.R. Snipestress is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting L.R. Snipestress the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. Daggwood Bronson's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
10:42:29: L.R. Snipestress's ship fires two nuclear torpedos into Daggwood Bronson's ship, instantly incinerating it. The package is snagged by a lengthy magnetic tow cable. "Parcel transferred."
11:00:37: Mac Nielson is impaled on a lengthy spear with a laser tip by L.R. Snipestress after a failed package theft attempt. L.R. Snipestress resumes on their way.
12:17:17: L.R. Snipestress was running at break-neck speed and rounded a blind corner, stumbling upon a laser trip mine placed by Blaylock Samson. Luckily, L.R. Snipestress vaulted over it, only severing one foot. L.R. Snipestress resumes delivery with package in tow, albeit slightly hobbling.
13:21:13: Someone once told Mac Nielson that the best way to handle this job is if you keep it strictly business. Not personal. Do not concern yourself with revenge. Mac Nielson knows L.R. Snipestress has stolen one too many packages from them before, but brushes the sweat from their brow, banishing that memory. The heaviness of the EK40 surface to air missile launcher is starting to wear on Mac Nielson but the time is almost here. L.R. Snipestress's ship comes over the horizon. There it is. Mac Nielson's finger closes around the trigger loosely, causing the launcher to commence lock-on. A small repetitive beep turns into a single tone, signaling the moment for action. Mac Nielson is surprised however as the rocket launches behind them instead of in front due to user error. This mistake would sting Mac Nielson the most, if not for the tower of rocket fuel they have chosen as their location. L.R. Snipestress's ship rolls successfully by the towering pyre of incinerating flame, package still in tow.
13:21:33: Package delivered by L.R. Snipestress for $220,000